Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I ask myself "Why" Pt 1

So how about I got a phone call at 0502 this morning from my friend who was mad that I messaged his gf who I have been arguing with not because I was rude to her but because I told her that we needed to talk. Well, she made the mistake of asking him if he knew why I wanted to talk to her. This infuriated him for some reason, so instead of being reasonable and nice...he calls me and starts getting ill with me. He even went so far as to say a few really hurtful things, which I will not be listing because I have more respect for him than that. But it did open my eyes to my life and how I live it.

I know I complain a lot but I do not think I am worse off than anyone else. I know I am a bitch, but I had one friend that I thought I could turn to and tell the things that bothered me. He was the one person besides Chris that actually knew the real me. He actually knew the truth that no one ever knows about me unless they absolutely have to and even then they don't know as much as he does. Well, I guess I made him a little bit madder than I normally do cause I wouldn't blog about this if it was a one time happening thing. No this "friend" does this quite frequently now and it seems I am the only one he does it too.

Why am I everyone's personal doormat? Why do I have to help them and be the one they unload everything too but I don't mean enough for them to worry about me? It all started because the other day I went to the river and fell down a flight of concrete stairs. I banged myself up pretty freaking bad. I mean my back is all screwed up, my hips are pretty much useless and my right leg is worthless (it's still there but putting pressure on it and walking around is pretty much a mute point now).

Well, he knew I got injured the other day and doesn't talk to me for days, he doesn't respond to my emails or anything. But I know he was online cause I saw his conversing between him and his new girlfriend. Well, the first thing I hear from him is not..."Are you alright?" but "Why did you email her? What is your reason behind it?" My reasoning you pompous ass was to solve an issue that needed to be solved so two people didn't hate each other for no reason. But you wouldn't care cause you don't want the two women you love to be friends (this is my opinion), so this is probably why he had to make me feel like shit this morning. I mean cause really? 0500 many people are still sleeping if their husbands are gone. Well not me, I am again being everyone's bitch.

Smith, you have no clue how much I miss you. If I had you here I wouldn't need to talk to a friend about what is going on. I would have my best friend to comfort me, the one who knows everything about me. The one who loved me in my darkest hours, and carried me into the light. Smith, I need you my dear. And I cannot wait until I can wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you. Cause one kiss from you would make all this pain go away.

A, sorry but you hurt me badly this time. You cut me deeper than you ever have before and I don't know if I can stay in a emotionally fucked friendship. Oh and how about I fixed the problem unlike you thought I would seems she thought I hated her. Wonder where she got that thought...


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