Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I ask myself "Why" Pt 1

So how about I got a phone call at 0502 this morning from my friend who was mad that I messaged his gf who I have been arguing with not because I was rude to her but because I told her that we needed to talk. Well, she made the mistake of asking him if he knew why I wanted to talk to her. This infuriated him for some reason, so instead of being reasonable and nice...he calls me and starts getting ill with me. He even went so far as to say a few really hurtful things, which I will not be listing because I have more respect for him than that. But it did open my eyes to my life and how I live it.

I know I complain a lot but I do not think I am worse off than anyone else. I know I am a bitch, but I had one friend that I thought I could turn to and tell the things that bothered me. He was the one person besides Chris that actually knew the real me. He actually knew the truth that no one ever knows about me unless they absolutely have to and even then they don't know as much as he does. Well, I guess I made him a little bit madder than I normally do cause I wouldn't blog about this if it was a one time happening thing. No this "friend" does this quite frequently now and it seems I am the only one he does it too.

Why am I everyone's personal doormat? Why do I have to help them and be the one they unload everything too but I don't mean enough for them to worry about me? It all started because the other day I went to the river and fell down a flight of concrete stairs. I banged myself up pretty freaking bad. I mean my back is all screwed up, my hips are pretty much useless and my right leg is worthless (it's still there but putting pressure on it and walking around is pretty much a mute point now).

Well, he knew I got injured the other day and doesn't talk to me for days, he doesn't respond to my emails or anything. But I know he was online cause I saw his conversing between him and his new girlfriend. Well, the first thing I hear from him is not..."Are you alright?" but "Why did you email her? What is your reason behind it?" My reasoning you pompous ass was to solve an issue that needed to be solved so two people didn't hate each other for no reason. But you wouldn't care cause you don't want the two women you love to be friends (this is my opinion), so this is probably why he had to make me feel like shit this morning. I mean cause really? 0500 many people are still sleeping if their husbands are gone. Well not me, I am again being everyone's bitch.

Smith, you have no clue how much I miss you. If I had you here I wouldn't need to talk to a friend about what is going on. I would have my best friend to comfort me, the one who knows everything about me. The one who loved me in my darkest hours, and carried me into the light. Smith, I need you my dear. And I cannot wait until I can wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you. Cause one kiss from you would make all this pain go away.

A, sorry but you hurt me badly this time. You cut me deeper than you ever have before and I don't know if I can stay in a emotionally fucked friendship. Oh and how about I fixed the problem unlike you thought I would seems she thought I hated her. Wonder where she got that thought...

-S

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Army Wives Season 2 and rants from the Bitter depths of my kidneys...

So how about I bought the 2nd season of Army Wives yesterday.I have made it to episode 2 already and I love it. I love watching Joan stuff a pillow in her shirt to see how she would look pregnant in uniform(her little salute bit made me fall of the bed laughing). It made me smile. She is my favorite. She is living the life I wanted to live. Maybe not the pregnant part, but the being the one in the army (I personally think Smith should be Roland). I love her witt. My fave quote of hers is in the 2nd season, 2nd episode when she is talking to Roland about her pregnancy, her words were "My body's being invaded...I'm no longer a person...I'm a host." (I ROFL'd @ this)

I know a lot of army wives think that this show is nothing like our lives, and yes...in many ways it is not. I mean how often are we going to go to a bar and have a soldier walk in loaded down with explosives but a LOT of the stuff in the show is what we go through. The characters emotions and worrying is what real army wives go through daily. The affairs do happen (whether we believe it or not), the drama is real...you can see that in many situations. I know my life does not resemble the show at all...but it does help to watch it...it is so interesting that it keeps me occupied for HOURS which right now is what I need the most.

I cannot believe they killed Amanda off. I am not going to lie...I cried for an hour on that one. It disappointed me that they killed off her character, they didn't need to nor did they have to for ratings. I will not lie, I hate being a critic in my blog but sadly enough it is *checks clock* 0320 and I am still awake knowing I have to go to the commisary in a little while. I have not heard from Smith and frankly this only getting a few minutes to talk to him is outrageous. So here I am...watching the 2nd season because the damn producers decided to end the 1st season in a damn plot twist (which by the way drives me insane) and typing away my thoughts on the matter.

For the record I am a die-hard Pamela-fanatic...ha ha...(& don't forget my weird obsession with Joan Burton :D)

Well, didn't hear from Smith much today. I hate these few minute phone calls, I hate not being able to hold him. I hate not being able to hear his heartbeat. And before I get a lot of hate from people over this like I have in the past let me say this. No I am not going through a deployment but I have not been able to sleep in my husband's arms since the start of this year and he has been stateside all along. Out of the 260 days I have been married I have seen my husband 23 of those...and only 21 of those were spent where I could sleep in his arms. So damn me now for complaining and being sad but I believe that the pain is the same for all of us. The pain doesn't get greater or lessen just because you are on your first or hell third deployment. I don't care if it is the first deployment, or just training...either way, the pain of not sleeping at night without his touch, his warmth, his voice to calm your fears...is going to be the same no matter who you are. It gets easier to deal with over time but the pain is still the same. (If I am too opinionated for you I apologize.) I will get off this subject before I make this blog a mile long...this is a rant for another day.

So how about my friend David just enlisted? It seems everyone from my past is going the military and living the life I wanted... Smith said if it is what I really want, if it would make me happy to get my wings then I can do it...but now I am more than just the woman who wanted to fly Apaches. I am more than the kid who dreamed of leaving high school and going to BCT. I am Mrs. Smith, I am a wife...and I have obligations now, not just to myself...but to him. I have to make my own sacrifices for his sake. I will wait and when his contract is up...if I still feel up to it...then I will consider the options. But as of now, I am Mrs. Smith, the MP's wife.

We are the strong women who stand behind the strength of America.
We are the wives of soldiers, of heroes...
We are strong.


-S.S

Monday, July 26, 2010

Random things from the Hubby...That made me laugh...

Smith-" I am not scared of spiders, but I swear if I get over there and see one of those things (camel spiders) I'm going to shoot it...and if their is more than one I will throw a frag...It's not right...they aren't supposed to get that big."
Me-"ewwwww...gross, please don't get bit."

Smith-" Hard to explain...I miss you like the biggest Loser misses cake."

Smith-"
"Hey...Sarah, think about this... I D 10 Tango...now think about it real hard"
"I don't get it"-me
Smith-"Think Military Sarah"
"ID10...wait a minute... I'M NOT AN IDIOT!"-me

"I can't wait till you get up here."-Smith
"Awww...me either baby, I miss you too."-me
"Oh, well I miss you too baby...but I was talking about I'm ready to not have to do laundry anymore...plus I miss your cooking already."-Smith
"Wow babe. Aren't you a sweetie."-me

"Yeah, me and the guys have this reigning joke that you and the other wives carry our balls in your purses."-Smith.

"Seriously?"-Smith

"Did u no that u are like a melody in my head"- Smith

"Yeah, you're innocent Sarah..like a college girl at Mardi Gras."-Smith

"You know what size boot I wear? Well...imagine it...up your ass."- Smith

"I'm going to kick you in the throat if you call yourself fat one more time."-Smith
"I'M...F-A-T."- me
"That's it you are so getting it."-Smith
"Bring it buddy."- me
"Oh it's coming. You wait...first thing once you get off that plane...It's on."-Smith

"Every time I would sit up with the gun (50 cal) I would feel my pants vibrate and instinctively reach for my phone thinking "Oh my god, It might be Sarah." Then I would realize I don't have my phone and get really pissed.-Smith

"Sitting down for graduation and staying perfectly still made me say one thing to my friend. Without moving my lips I said, "Do you feel like exhibit A right now? Welcome to the Freak Show."-Smith